a new move
this is an entry to say...

im ending my misery blog here.

say BYE BYE!

to the super bad memories!

may good things ALWAYS come my way!

:) im moving on down a memory lane with happier smiles.
http://jan-loves.blogspot.com
a place i loves.

probably the greatest fault lies in me.
probably im jus yet to be ready for another relationship afterall.
maybe ya right.
i jus cant seem to give in to u.

perhaps i shldnt tink so much.
shouldnt bother much.



perhaps i can make a wish.

a wish to survive my love.
a wish to give in to my love.
a wish to forgive my love.
a wish to hug my love.
and a wish for.
my love to not leave me ever.

perhaps u'll never understand.
probably there's jus too much misunderstandings.
and jus not much compromise between us.

its not absolutely my fault.
blame it on me for all u wan.
get it over and done with.
u never seem to realise or understand me afterall.
ive never tolerate so much sadness and anger bottled in me.
it's almost bursting.
the feelings came to me like huge waves after waves.
engulfing me into my own world.
be glad i din utter much.
be glad i din react much.
cos if i ever did.
it's gonna be more than being over.

im hating tis feeling.
feeling of having sumone
who affects my mood.
who turn can my world topsy turvy with a wink of an eye.
who can made me cry bucketfuls of tears.
who can make me weep soundly to slp at nite.
who can made me upset for so damn long.
and yet.
complain that he din mean much to me.
said i jus dun wanna give in.

its not jus dat.
it aint dat easy.
dat simple for me to do.
afterall i did give in.
by de lil actions u nv seem to take note of.
probably im jus not as outspoken as i was anymore.
no longer wish to speak words dat come right into mind.
cos i noe my words hurt.
i dun wan anger words to sour tis lovely relationship i had with u.
but u nv noe.
simply felt i was giving attitude.

each time i look at u with pleading eyes.
i wish u could jus stop blaming me.
cos it takes two hands to clap.
if im at fault
den u r too.

stop these torments.
stop these quarrels.
stop those accusations.
stop making me feel as if im the main cause of everytink.
well, im not!

its jus making me more n more diappointed after each quarrel.
it making me harder n harder to regain my normal cheery composure.
cos the hurt's there.
the sadness still lingers.
the tears are still welling up.

you jus wan me to be the cheerful outgoing fun-loving girl u love.
but each time im upset or down.
u dislike me.
got angry n fed up with me for being like tis.

cldnt i simply get sum comfort?
when all i nid is a simple hug n a peck.
n all tink's will be fine again.

instead i hear sarcasm n words dat sting my heart.
much as i noe dat those were words of anger,
i cldnt do without feeling hurt.
much as i try to ignore,
those feelings of hurt and sadness lingers.

i jus nid...
a lil more understanding.
a lil more thoughtfulness.
a lil more love.

my heart fell.
the devastating moments.
the heart-wrenching words.
u'll nv noe how i felt.
nv understand wad i went thru.

i hope we got on stronger.

u walked off.
leaving me alone with a crushed heart.

wads de issue here.
wadeva.
its me den.
always me.

im absolutely tired out.

damn those bad moods and mood swings.
darn me.

its as if my female hormones are on a ravage.
ramping around in my body.
causing a huge emotional change in me.
making me have such extreme mood swings.
such emotions i nv knew i had.
such weird feelings that made me cry all of a sudden
without knowing why i felt so damn upset n horrid inside.

sumhow sumtink is haunting me.
sumhow i jus cant myself up
n pull myself thru these redundant feelings.

leave them.
i said..
tink of happy memories.
i scream..

but nth came to my empty mind.
its jus mist n darkness.
wads wrong with my life.
i dun wanna it this way.
i control it.

cool it off jan.
tis is stress.
relax.
it'll be over soon.
breathe in.
love..
friendship...
huggs....
warmth.....

begone emptiness.
begone mood swings.
begone.
begone!

i wan to have a family too.
sum place i noe where there wil always be ppl
who will stand by me always.
who will love me always.
who will understand me always.
who shower me with love and care.
where i can always enjoy the togetherness at the end of a tiring day.
why cant i have a normal family.

5 tinks important in my life.

LOVE
TRUST
FAITH
FRIENDS
BABY



FAMILY - you'll never be on my list.




i simply felt so disregarded in tis terror terrain.
in tis horrible place called.
HOME!
wtf.
i nv feel any love out of it.
no warmth.
no care.
no concern.
jus plain insults.
crap.
n demands.
who says family are people u can never live without.
no way.
to me. it's ppl i shld live without.
even adopted kids have better family.

i lost my family ages bak.
lost my place in tis once lovely place.
lost my hold.
lost my dignity.
lost wadeva dat was supposed to be mine.
i felt so insulted.
so out of my place.
why shld i care abt anyone of u in the first place.
when all i was needed was only when u needed my strengths so badly
as sis cldnt make up for it.
that is. my maths skills.
fuck.
im not a machine.
i have feelings.
why push me out of the way treating me as if im a step-daughter.

shldnt the eldest deserve some respect.
not as if i did some shameful tinks outside
dat cause so much disgrace to this darn family
for u to treat me like dirt.
fuck.

sumore i felt hurt.
felt so damn fucking hurt.
why shld i be in the first place.
didn't i said i hate tis family.
didn't i say i will no longer care abt tis family.

fuck.
den why do every lil tink u do to me
makes me feel so uncared for.
so unwanted in tis home.
so all-for-nothing.
so hurt.
its so unfair.
why am i de only one having suffering frm such biasness

i swear.
i'll no longer bake any cakes for tis horrid ppl.
no more lil gifts or food for them at all.
no more care n concern.
no more wishing them on their bday.
esp dat bitch.

but not my grandma.
cos i love her to bits.

probably not my dad either.
cos he cares too less to be involved in tis horrid politics.

i cant blive im using such insanity to scold these ppl.
but i cant contain my anger. my hurt. my pride.
any longer.
my mum.
nah. dat bitch.
u deserve it.

im venomous.
im horrid.
yes i am.
no one will ever understand these feels.
and im stupid.
shld have jus agreed to my grandma abt moving out with her a year bak.
having to put thru all these shame.
fuck.

i despise u, bitch.

i swear i'll leave tis place!
when i got myself a job after graduation.
i promise myself.
i will leave.

insecure.
fear.

my life's a mess.
i really wanna get out.
hang on there, jan

all i felt was.



























utter disappointment.

there's just not enough understanding.
i dun wanna live my days in tears again.
i wan a happy relationship.
not one
dat makes me laugh and smile on even days.
and cry n sob on odd days.