For the Man I Love
I know I don't often tell you what your love means to me but you've changed my life forever and I'm as happy as can be .
You're a very special person and I hope that you will see that I love you very much and you mean the world to me.
I'll treasure you my darling. I will.

the feeling of your hug. your warmth.
it feels so love.
makes me feel so happy.
the touch of ur lips.
melts my heart.
letting out all my sorrows in a split second.
im so glad.
so glad im bak in ur arms again darling.

a week has paassed.
but ur attitude to me has changed.
changed for the worse.

din u said u'll let me meet u.
din u say i cld meet u.
i wun do anytink else.
all i wanted to do.
is to pass u the present personally.
dat's all i wan to do.
jus simply dat wish.

u promised me.
u said.

but now..
y start to ignore me again.
ive reali tried to control myself alot.
by not picking up the phone n dial ur number
by not smsing u msges u wldnt wan to see.
i've reali tried.
n cut down to abt 2 calls n sms each day

even a short reply frm u
means alot more to me.
at least im happier.

i love u alot.
love u so much.
n yet u treat me tis way.
dat im starting to have a tinge in hate amidst my love for u.

it's hurtful.
reali hurtful.

u lose out more by breaking up with me
u noe y?
cos u lost sumone whom reali love u.

even so.
i guess u wldnt care at all.


i wish i hate u so much.
dat i dun love u anymroe.
but the feeling jus din go off.

it's staying strong deep down.

i hate the feeling of waking up every monring.
to be in tears first tink in the morning.
realising u're not here with me.
n u're ignoring me once again.

dun i mean a wee bit of thing to u?
have u reali totally forgotten abt my existence?
have u reali totally pushed me out of ur heart?

ive never knew forever love.
till i met u.
till i noe u.
u made me blive in forever love.
n now..
my world jus crushed.

today will be a tough day.
ur bday tml.
but u broke ur promise.
n dun seem to wan meet me for the present.
so i guess.
i'll wait.
wait for u to return home.
im jus so afraid i'll wait for u till i totally give up.

dardar.
dun leave me alone.
dun.
i reali nid u.
nid u by my side.

din u say im ur superwoman?
u said. u promised.

or is it jus another empty promise?

r guys all liars?
they dun mean wad they say?
wads all the crap abt endless loving u told me abt?

y am i so dumb.
so dumb to blive.
so dumb to do all these tinks for u.
so dumb to lend u money when u ignore me.
so dumb so dumb.
cos i love u.
n i cant help it.

一天过一天,从不确定就有答案
就想这样停留在只有你去的方向
每当你出现在我身旁
就感觉爱情的重量
我越在意越难衡量就越放不下
越不去想就越是他

i think i love you 爱就是这样
couse i miss you 喜欢你善良
陪你去狂欢,会偶尔吵架,吵累了说贴心的话
i am falling for you 爱就是这样
now i need you 想等你放假,要一起分享
今晚的星光,当你说要收捕幸福不打洋

我们越看就越想,不说也能了解对方
画同一张图话,想同一个梦想
幸福是一座大灯塔
少了你世界就照不亮,你一定会再给我力量
其实爱我并不复杂,知心的对话,就能够往幸福出发


i think i love you 爱就是这样
couse i miss you 喜欢你善良
陪你去狂欢,会偶尔吵架,吵累了说贴心的话
i am falling for you 爱就是这样
now i need you 想等你放假,要一起分享
今晚的星光,当你说要收捕幸福不打洋

可时常热恋的人受伤,爱也总让人们变得坚强
我们不会知道,以后的日子会有多长
在我的世界,都有会有你守护肩膀

i think i love you 爱就是这样
couse i miss you 喜欢你善良
陪你去狂欢,会偶尔吵架,吵累了说贴心的话
i am falling for you 爱就是这样
now i need you 想等你放假,要一起分享
今晚的星光,当你说要收捕幸福不打洋

6 days has passed.
all i felt was.
hurt n more hurt.

i reali dunoe how to deal with u anymore.
ive given up.
i'll jus let u be wad u wanna be.

suddenly i felt im a toy.
when u like,
u'll hug me tight in ur arms
n never let go.
but when u're sick of it.
u jus throw me away.
n chuck me aside.
dun even bother on giving a second look.

wad hurts me most
isn't when u say u lost ur feelings for me.
yes. dat hurts.
but it's worse.
worse when u say we can only be frens.
no mroe than frens.
n yet u seem to avoid me.
seem to detest me.
n so dat's how u treat frens.

i can feel the barrier in between us suddenly.
a barrier that has nv been there b4.
but u hv gradually built it.
built it way too high for me to overcome it.

ive tried.
i reali tried.
n im tired now.

i'll listen to u.
reali listen to u.
frens.
yes. frens.
dat'll be wad we will be.
no more than dat.

dun regret.
jus dun regret my dear.
cos u reali hurt me deep tis time.
real deep.
it'll take more than jus honeyed words
to get me bak the next time
had u decided to change ur mind.

but still.
i do love u.
i do.

当爱情来的时候,
总是想着对方,
兴奋得睡不着,
但想像总比现实美好.

我想快乐并不在于他爱不爱我,
而是等待的过程,
好像小时候在学校里,
等待郊游的那一天.

慢慢失忆
所有和你的事情必须忘记
爱的盆地
深怕在一滴眼泪就会决堤
我也不想被你肯定
在这个时候说我
让你感动过

别握住我的手
说我一定会懂
作不成的爱人
变成最好朋友
别牵著我的手
想著别人脸孔
换个方式牵手
并不会更好过
可不可以不作你的朋友

慢慢心痛
没有人发现我和从前不同
你的眼中
看得见另一个人给的感动
我也不要你心疼我
在这个时候对我
比从前温柔

应该放晴的天气
还下雨别这样下去
我难过但是说不出口
一直逃避
我以为闭上眼睛就能忘记
我的记忆开始在雨天的七月二十三
慢慢经过我们一起绕过的十字街头
怎么走都走不到尽头
可不可以别回头
可不可以就放手
可不可以不作你的朋友

can i not be frens with u.
can i not be jus ur aquaintance?
i wan to be part of u. my dear
to live in ur world.
be part of ur life.
but u gave me only 2 choices.
frens or strangers.
i hv no other choice i guess.

u made me weak.
made me lose faith in love totally.
i lost faith in love once.
but u.
u were the one who made me blive
love can reali makes the world go round.
u made me blive.
made me trust.
made me have faith in love again.

but. u were also the one.
to made me lose faith.
lose trust in love again.

does love always have to hurt?

am i being silly?
being too foolish?
being too stupid?
im not.
i noe im not.
im jus too lost in love.
i guess.

does it mean we only be jus frens?
n dat we'll nv be together again.
u'll nv love me again.
n dat u wldnt even try loving me again.

i hate the present me.
having to cry myself to slp everynite.
having to keep lying to myself u still love me.
is it worth it?
the qns suddenly formed in my mind.
it's not worth crying over a cry who doesnt love me anymore.
but to me.
it's worth it when i cry over a guy i love the most.
it's worth it.

i will try my best.
try my best to treat u as my fren.
till the day u'll accept me again.
love me again.
i'll wait for the day.
i noe i'll wait.
i noe the day will come.
i love u dear.
truly frm my heart.

jus promise me one tink.
dun love me cos u feel touched.
cos u dun wan to hurt me.
or dun wan to see me suffer.
cos dat'll only hurt me more.
say u love me.
cos u reali do.
say u love me.
cos u wan to protect me.
care for me.
say u love me.
only frm the bottom of ur heart.
otherwise.
dun say it.
dun say it.

i dunoe how to carry on a life without u.
i reali dunoe how to tide this through.
im reali lost.
but i hope my frens will help me.
it'll be hard,
but i still blive i can do it.
i cant stop loving u.
but at least the hurt will slowly fade away.
i hope.

meanwhile.
u'll have to takecare.
reali takecare.
dun make ur mum worry by not replying her sms.
she cares for u.
dun forget to have ur meals daily.
dun forget to bring ur hp out to work when u leave home.
cos u often forget.
dun be lazy to change ur bedsheets too k.
n dun forget me.
u'll have to rmb me.
i'll be hapie enuf.
hapie enuf to noe ive left footprints in ur heart.

suddenly i jus cldnt smile.
i jus cldnt stop tinking of him.
the moment im awake
he jus completely filled my mind again.
i kept sobbing.
it's an uncontrollable feeling.
reali.
i jus cant describe how upset i am.
how hurt i felt.
ive nv felt a heartache like tis b4.

ive wish to blive in u.
blive in our love we once had.
but subconsciously.
my mind seems to tell me to back off.
let u go.
n forget abt being with u b4.
but i noe i cldnt.
the love is still going on strong in my heart.
but only in mine.
n urs jus died down.
u made me lose wadeva confidence i had in me.
n now im afraid.
reali afraid.

i wan to make u fall in love with me again.
it's possible isn't it?
given time, n my effort.
but it'll be hard on me.

i dun wan lose u.
reali dun wan dear.
i dun wan.

i wanted to hate u for being like tis.
wanted to hate u for cheating me.
for lying to me when u say u love me.
wanted to give u a tight slap.
cos u gu fu le wo.
but i cant bring myself to do these.
i simply jus cant.
cos im still lost in love.

7am in the morn.
n i jus cant slp at all.

ger.
jus wan to let u noe.
ive been thru wad u've been thru with ur parents.
perhaps even more.
cos both my parents hit me.
not only my dad.
my mum does too.
but in ur case.
ur mum's willing to protect u.
she may sound fierce n keep scolding u
but dats the way she express out her feelings.
cos u noe y.
parents dun wanna lose face in front of their kids.
they jus wan to show who's in power.
they'll nv wan to show their soft side in front of u.
unless u can can convince ur parents.
convince them u're matured enuf.
u noe wad u're doing.
n u must try to understand their feelings.
cos i jus did.

to every parents.
their child is their life.
reali.
tis is reali true.
they'll protect u no matter wad.
n nv will harm u.

wad u're wrong at.
is u din listen to ur mum
to go home early.
probably u din even inform them.
but only ur sis.
probably u oni inform them at the last minute.

bcos of tis.
ur mum will surely be worried.
she's worried sumone might abduct u.
worried sum bad guys might be lurking ard.
she's reali worried.
i can see.
she cares for u.
not dun trust u.
dun tink it dat way.

im like u in the past.
i'll jus ignore their calls.
n sms my sis.
otherwise i'll keep wishing to run away frm home.
n i almost did a few times.

i can understand how u feel.
cos it seems they're controlling u.
controlling u so much when u're alreadi 18.
n u tot u can tink for urself n all.
cos i was the same.
n i simply hate them.
hate them to the core.

but now.
tinks has changed.
i've learned to understand my parents' feelings n their situation.
each time b4 i do anytink.
i'll tink of them 1st
i'll inform them of anytink still.

iif i have to be home late.
i'll inform them 1st.
b4 they call me up.
to let them noe im fine.
n oki with frens like ur.
but if she reali wan me to be home.
i'll listen.
i'll give in.
n be home like she said.
cos i respect her now.
we'll give n take at times.
n i blive it's better tis way.

probably u shld try.
try to understand dem a lil bit more.
rather than keep tinking of the bad tinks.
dun compare them with other parents.
cos each parent is individual.
they have their own ways n methods to care n protect u.
u'll noe it one day.
i always used to grumble abt my parents.
complaining y cant they be like sel's parents.
who will give her so much freedom n all.
but now i understand.
i reali understand.
n have been tinking how foolish i was to tink tis way.
=]
ive learnt.
probably learnt the hard way.
cos i realised.
no matter wad happens.
u'll nv lose ur family support.
reali.
family is ur everytink.
they'll definitely stand by u no matter wad happens.
ive finally come to understand it.
n im glad i did.
i blive it's jus part n parcel of growing up.
u'll understand ur parents' ku xin one day.
u will de.
cos i noe u have a caring mum.
a super caring mum.
n she'll try her best not to let u be harmed.
takecare of her, my dear.

its day 5. n im still counting down to the number of days b4 we got together again.
im sure.
im sure he'll love me again.

he jus ended work.
n he did as promised.
n called me bak.
i was reali hapie.
reali hapie.
cos ive been staying up the whole nite.
jus waiting for tis special call.
no matter how tired i was.
i forced myself to be awake.
n finally he called.

tok on the phone.
he din say much.
jus said.
he'll hurriedly return me my money.
n oso he was grateful to me.
n dats all.

i jus cldnt hide my feelings anymore.
he seem so heck care.
so nonchalent abt my feelings.
i admited.
i do miss him alot.
the words jus blurt out frm my mouth.
all he said was.
he has completed lost all feelings for me.
reali completely.
i knew tis time those words were for real.
i have to blive it.
i cld sense his seriousness.
he is reali serious.
n he meant it.
the breakup is for real.

he reali means only friendship between us.
no more than dat.
hur.. frens.
at least we're still frens.
shld have thank my lucky stars.

n ive realised wads the reason.
he said im childish n immature.
cos probably i dun understand his situation sumtimes.
like regarding his job.

its not that i dun understand.
u noe how insecure i felt having alreadi broke up 2 times before
n tis being the 3rd time?
n all 3 times were initiated by u.
how do u tink i feel?
its not dat i lose trust in u.
it's dat im afraid.
each time u din return my call.
din pick up my call.
din reply my sms.
or din sms me.
within an hour.
i'll be so tensed up.
so afraid dat history might repeat itself.
afraid u'll ignore me again.
afraid something might happen to u.
jus the same way u wld have worry for me
when i din reply ur sms or din return ur call.
isn't it?
it is.
but have u ever realised.
ever since the 1st short breakup
u'll nv have to wait more than half hour to get my sms reply
or a return call frm me?
even if my hp low batt.
i will still find ways to contact u
n let u noe.
surely i'll not let u worry.
but it's different now.
cos im the one worrying now.

not dat i dun understand ur work scope.
but sumtimes i can dun get ur sms reply
a call from u.
for a whole 5 to 6 hours.
wun u go for toilet breaks?
smoking breaks?
meal breaks?
even a short sms saying u mis me is fine enuff.
so i noe u're doing fine.

u're working in a cargo industry.
i'll nv noe if sumtink reali happens to u.
have u realised?
cos ur colleagues dunoe who i am.
they'll nv contact me if sumtink reali happens.
im jus afraid for u.
worried for u.

but u'll nv noe tis.
cos it seems u nv tried to understand.
if u had
u'll take the patience.
to let me understand.
y u tot im immature n childish.
but the tink is.
u've nv told me tis b4.
nv.
n dats wad dat is spoiling tis relationship.
im jus so disappointed dat i can be xian qi
jus cos of im immature n childish.
im reali shocked.

y cant we jus sort it out.
y mus it end in a breakup.
y mus u hurt me so much.
n only to back it with such a dumb reason
which i cant accept at all.

im not childish
im not immature.
probably u haven taken the time to tink abt y i do tis.
even if i overdo it.
u can tell me.
i'll listen to u.
i will listen.
i'll reali listen.

i jus wish u'll understand.
understand dat u have to be patient.
patient in teaching me.
u used to have it.
but wad happen now?

the pain is so real.
the hurt is so real.
the heartache is a feeling.
i'll wish nv to suffer frm.
it's getting worse.
n tis time.
i guess it's the greatest hit ive received frm u.

cos i dun wan to be hurt anymore.
no more.
i'll be hapie.
i'll smile.
i will cry no more.
even thou i noe it's difficult.
difficult to live a totally new life
without u by my side.
without ur company.
without ur love.
but i guess i can still manage.
i guess i'll have to keep u.
not forget u.
cos i'll nv bear to do so.
n nv be able to do it.
i'll keep u in the bottom of my heart.
n jus let the hurt fade away.
in the hope dat one day.
one day u'll realise my importance to u.
realise how much u nid me.
how much u love me.
but by den.
u'll have to tink of the most creative way
sweetest way with the biggest surprises to win me bak to ur side.
u'll nid to build the trust between u n me.
dat's difficult.
but u said u'll nv give up.
so u cant.

i'll look forward to the day.
i'll reali do.
cos i still love u darling.
n im missing u so much.
my dear,
u'll have to learn to treasure me.
love me.
protect me.
u'll learn.
u'll learn.

i feel as if ive totally disappeared from ur world.
i wish i did leave a footprint in u.
but it doesnt seem so.
u said we'll be frens.
but u din treat me as one.
u said u'll nv ignore.
but u often ignore me.

wo shi zhen de hen zai hu ni,
suo yi cai hen hai ba shi qu ni ar.

dear,
nan dao ni jiu zhen de yao ba wo gei wang ji le ma.
wo men nan dao jiu zhen de bu neng zai yi qi le ma?
hui dao cong qian de wo men.
kai kai xin xin yi qi guo sheng huo.
guo zhe zhi you ni he wo de sheng huo.
wo hen hai ba
zhen de hen hai ba.
hai ba jiu zhe yang yong yuan shi qu ni.
wo bu xiang zhe yang zhi.
nan dao ni bu zhi dao ma,

xian zai de wo.
hao xiang chong qu ni de jia.
qu zhao ni.
jin jin de yong bao ni.
yong yuan dou bu fang shou.

dan wo que hai ba ni hui tui kai wo.
bu zai li wo.
suo yi, jiu yi zi bu gan zhe yang zuo.

wo zhen de hen ziang ni.
ai ni ai dao wo dou bu shi wo zi ji le.
ni hui lai hao ma?
wo shi hen zhen xi ni de ar.
qing bu yao li kai wo.
qing bu yao.

i hope my prayers to the gods n deities
get answered.
aren't they supposed to be the most powerful creatures on earth.
prove me den.
prove me.

i was so glad he picked up the call again.
he's in the bar.
the bar he'll be working in soon.
his voice sounded happier n lighter.
was glad.
he said he's busy being interviewed by the boss.
n will call me bak later.
he said he will de.
oki. i hung up.
waiting n waiting for his call.

but my hp din ring at all.
called him up every half hour interval.
but still. he din pick up.
y give me hope of u calling when u dun wan to in the 1st place.
cos u jus wan me shoo off?

saw u online den did i realised u were home.
hurried msn u.
but still no reply.
guess u shld be playing ur games.

alas. u picked up my call.
in a rather unhappie voice.
i cld hear.
the change in the tone earlier on.
probably he was having fun with his frens at the bar.
hence happier tone.
but now.
probably toking to me is a sad tink for him.
hence the sadder tone.

it was..
disappointing.
cos u din called.
but its oki.

saw ur msn pic.
it was the pic i drew for u.
in which i wrote 'i love u dar'
i was excited.
i tot u will be trying to accept me again.
but..
no.
u aren't.
u probably misplaced the pic.
u said.
my ray of hope was dashed.

i dunoe wad to say.

wanted to find u on sat nite.
to pass u the present n cake.
wanted to spend the nite with u somewhere.
or perhaps the sunday noon.
but u were reluctant.
kept on saying dunoe. see 1st.

we have distanced.
i realised.
we've drifted so far apart during these times.
dat i reali wonder.
will i be able to get u bak.
pull u rite beside me.
i wan to do so.
but it seems dat
each time i pulled u a hundred metres towards me.
u pushed a hundred and fifty metres away from me.

i felt my confidence level going lower.
but no!
i cant.
ive to gain confidence.
but it seems ur words and actions kept cutting my confidence level down.

im afraid i'll lose my bet.
im afraid to get rejected.
i dun wanna lose u my dear.
y dun u understand?

G：再見了"我的寵愛" 誰願接受這種意外
Good bye "my puppy love" who would have accept this accident
(Good bye my love, who would have liked to accept this situation)
你讚我天生可愛 不願看著我離開
you compliment me for being born cute, don't want to see me leave

C：同伴也話我傻 喜歡受挫 寧願情敵在傷我
even my friends say that i am stupid, like to go through hardships,
willing to let my love to hurt me again
C：人天生根本都不可以愛死身邊的一個
people isn't born to love the one person by our side
怎奈你最夠刺激我 凡事也治到倒我
but you always excites me, able to overcome (control) me
幾多黑心的教唆 我亦捱得過
many dark complains(people telling you wrong),
i still could get through (get over it)
來煽風來點火 就擊倒我麼
come and add wind and fire (trouble... phrase),
but you can't defeat me (my spirit)

G：誰戀愛就多障礙 死性我不想改
every love has obstacles, bad habits i don't want to change
如我沒有你的愛 我沒法活得來
if i don't have your love, i couldn't live on
情人的存在 是我從來都志在
having a lover is the center of my will

G/C：難在我拱手讓愛
it's hard to give up my love

K：我怕可一不可再 難道你被愛都有害
i am scared to do it again, cuz you are loved then you are harmed

S：我確信天真不會錯 威力會移山填海
i firmly believe innocent is not a sin,
it can move mountain and fill ocean (a phrase)

B：同伴也話我傻 喜歡受挫 寧願情敵再傷我
even my friends say that i am stupid,
like to go through hardships,
willing to let my love to hurt me again
人天生根本都不可以 愛死身邊的一個
people isn't born to love the one person by our side
怎奈你最夠刺激我 凡事也治到我
but you always excites me, able to overcome (control) me
幾多黑心的教唆 我亦捱得過
many dark complains(people telling you wrong),
i still could get through (get over it)
來煽風來點火 就擊倒我麼
come and add wind and fire (trouble... phrase),
but you can't defeat me (my spirit)
誰戀愛就多障礙 死性我不想改 e
very love has obstacles, bad habits i don't want to change
如我沒有你的愛 我沒法活得來
if i don't have your love, i couldn't live on
情人的存在 是我從來都志在 難在我拱手讓愛
having a lover is the center of my will

T/B: 人天生根本都不可以 愛死身邊的一個
people isn't born to love the one person by our side
怎奈你最夠刺激我 凡事也治到我
but you always excites me, able to overcome (control) me
幾多黑心的教唆 我亦捱得過
many dark complains(people telling you wrong),
i still could get through (get over it)
來煽風來點火 就擊倒我麼
come and add wind and fire (trouble... phrase),
but you can't defeat me (my spirit)
誰戀愛就多障礙 死性我不想改
every love has obstacles, bad habits i don't want to change
如我沒有你的愛 我沒法活得來
if i don't have your love, i couldn't live on
情人的存在 是我從來都志在 難在我拱手讓愛
having a lover is the center of my will, it's hard to give up my love

day 4, 20jun06
probably tis will be the last sweet testimonial i'll write to u.
realiseD u dEleted All our pics.
changed uR status.
it's ok.
cos i'll stilL treasure u.
treasure Our memories.
treasure the times iVe spEnt together with U.
treAsure the times we were so happy with each other.
the times u cycLed me ard hougang.
the times u hugged me When in the rAin.
the times u surprised me during valentine's daY.
the timeS u carried me up to ur hse.
the times u took care of me when i was sick.
all these memories n many more.
i'll keep them with me.
till the last hope is gone.
i'll still love u my Dear.
i do miss u Alot in fact.
aRe u willng to give me a chance?
a chance to let me make u fall in love with me again.
if i cant have the chance.
its oki.
cos as long as u smile, im fine with anytink.
ni yao xing fu.
yi Ding yAo xing fu.
bu Ran wo hui hen hou hui zhe yang zhi li kai le ni.
ke shi ni bu neng ba wo gei wang ji.

u noe how much it hurts to realise ur ignoring me.
when u said u wun ignore.
n wld treat me as ur best fren.
i tried to do dat.
but i cldnt treat u as my fren.
i jus cant seem to do it.
i reali love u.
love u so much.
jus cant finish describing how much im in love with u.

am i still in ur heart?
i kept questioning myself.
i reali dunoe.
can i still be in ur heart?
the answer lies in u.
i manage to walk in ur heart once.
i wanted to stay there.
stay there forever. n ever.
but can i reali?
have u realli totally pushed me out of ur heart?
or do i still leave footprints about?

i hv to miss u so much everynite dat i jus cldnt slp.
told myself not to sms u.
not to call u anymore.
unless u call or sms me.
but i still did.
cos i noe.
noe u'll nv call me le.
nv sms le.
i thought i reali ought to be slapped by myself.
but i noe i shldnt
cos im giving myself a chance.
i have to try somehow.
try to get his attention onto me.
but i'll not irritate him.
no matter how much i miss u.
how much i wanted to see u.
u'll nv noe.
nv noe.

i tried to be optimsitic with ur love.
but im always disappointed.
i dunoe how to cheer myself up.
tried all sorts of ways.
no use.
cos the moment im home.
i'll cry again.
cry silently to myself.
its a daily routine im rather sick of.
i forced myself not to cry.
but i'll cry more.

haven been eating these days.
n yet i dun feel hungry at all.
i dun wanna fall into depression.
im not stupid.
im not crazy.
not torturing myself.

i guess i jus nid some love.
ur love.
ur miss.
ur hugs.

if there's anytink i wanted ever so much.
it'll be ur hug.
cos jus a hug frm u
can means everything.
everytink i nid.
everytink to comfort me.
everytink to set my heart at ease.
i'll give up everytink.
everytink to jus have dat moment of care.
moment of love.
moment of warmth.

i wish u're more straightforward.
more direct.
instead of jus ignoring me.
cldnt u reply me?
let me noe wad ure tinking.
i'll feel better.
much better.

can time reali vague the feelings i hv for him?
if it can.
i will wan the time to stop.
cos i enjoy the feeling of being in love.
being in love with u.
being in the arms of u.
u're everytink to me.
i promise.

i noe u must have deleted all my photos in ur hp.
cos u deleted all the pics in ur frenster.
changed ur marital status.
r u reali so firm on tis breakup?
arent u sad?
arent u missing me?
deep down ur heart.
dun u love me no more?
tink again my dear.

cos i dun blive.
dun blive u lost ALL ur feelings for me.
it cant be.
it'll nv be.
i trust u.
trust ur every promise u made to me.

looking upon the cards n gifts u gave me in the past.
i love gazing at the happy face dat gleams each time u give me those sweet stuff.
i felt ur love.
felt ur care.
felt the warmth.
i reali did.
i enjoy being the apple of ur eye.
cos u're mine too.

i love u my dear.
for being who u r.
for the protective man u r.
cos i love being protected by u.
only u.

i can always imagine u hugging me.
imagine u in front of me smiling.
imagine me lying on ur shoulder.
imagine u slping by my side.
but when i realise it's only my imagination.
my heart sank.
sank to the deepest.
n i'll cry.
cry once again.

always when i awake frm slp.
i'll look by my side.
hoping to see u slping by me.
n realise dat tis had all been a nitemare.
snap! bak to reality jan.
it's not a nitemare.
i noe it's not.
cos it's a living nitemare.

i reali wish to ask.
how are u?
how have u been?
do u miss me?
have u realised u still love me?
realised ive always loving u.
realised im still waiting for u.

but i dun have the courage to ask.
cos i fear.
fear the rejection tone frm u.
i dun wan to leave myself in despair.
no. i dun wan.
i rather live by a ray of hope.
hoping one day.
one fine day u'll return bak to me.
hug me.
kiss me.
cuddle me.
all the unhappiness ive suffered.
all the sorrows ive had.
will be gone.
gone in a second.
i noe it.
cos i need u.
reali need u darling.

i wish to chase u.
but im afraid.
reali afraid that u might dislike me more bcos of dat.
im more afraid of being rejected.

all i can depend on now is my only hope.
i'll try my best to give u the best bday u ever had.
receive the best bday present u'll ever get.
cos im afraid u might not wan to spend the special day with me.
but at least.
i'll prepare the best present for u.
a big present ive spent much money n time on.
a big present dat is filled with my love for u.
my care for u.
my warmth for u.
n the efforts in trying to let u love me again.

i reali pray hard.
pray hard dat i'll be able to enjoy the special day with u.
n make u the happiest guy in the world.
i wan u to be happy.
cos seeing u smile makes me smile too. =]

im so glad.
i felt as if the dark clouds had partly dispersed.
rite after i ended my call with yun.
i had such a sudden urge.
a hope to hear his voice.
cos i missed it.
reali miss him.
i took my hp n dialed his numbers.
i used my hp cos i wan him to noe it's me whose calling.
n not use my hse phone whereby it'll show up as a private call.

im so glad i did.
i tot i'll be disappointed again.
with the call ending as 'pls leave a msg after the tone'
but it din.
instead i heard him.
heard his voice.
alas! =]

thou he's quiet.
thou he sounded rather sianz.
but its oki.
at least he answer me when i tok.

n i realise.
i might not be celebrrating his bday together with him le.
a might. n a might not.
hais.
he'll decide n let me noe. he said.

hung up the phone.
cos he prefer to tok to me thru msn.
quite upset.
cos i reali wanted to tok to him.
n hear his voice.
but well..
went online.
hurriedly deleted my nick n display pic.
but all we chatted was..

Ah_Ken says:
ya..
// jAn`\\* says:
ya
Ah_Ken says:
i msg u later.
Ah_Ken says:
i o something first
// jAn`\\* says:
??
// jAn`\\* says:
kk

rather disappointing.
cos i reali wanted to chat with him.

but again.
i suddenly receive his sms!
there was tis tinge of happiness growing in me.
covered the msg with my fingers.
slowly revealing the contents.
'Sorry ar. I testing something out with ah di.'
dats all he said.
but its enuff to make me feel better.
cos hving dat msg shows he cares abt me.
abt how i feel.
he's afraid i'll wait long.
somehow the msg sounded sweet to me.
in a way or another.
very sweet. =]

Day 3, 19jun06
woke up in the morn.
n the 1st tot on my mind was no doubt him.
was imagining he might appear in my hse suddenly
to surprise me.
but. im dreaming i guess.
tears streamed again.
tears r uncontrollable.
i realise.

hurriedly took a bath to feel more refreshed.
stared in the mirror.
looking at the new me.
the weird me.
the ugly me.
fringed with the short ugly hair.

got out of hse to go sentosa for project.
suddenly i wish my very gud buddy beside me.
one who will give me a big cuddly warm hug.
whose shoulders i can lean on n pour out woes out loud.
i nid to vent my feelings.
the bottled feelings made me feel more hurt.

finished everytink at abt 1pm.
went to lavender in search of the item alone.
cldnt find the one i wan.
travelled to ps.
n got lost on the way.
finally got to ps.
n i manage to find the item i waanted to find.
bought it n left ps.

heading towards hougang.
images of him n me floated abt.

met sze n samantha
they pei me tok
later my mum msg me.
i was touched.
i noe she cares.
but
i reali cant bear to forget him.
cant bear to give up on him.
thou i noe
im still holding on to a very thin line to our very last hope of reconciling.
i'll let him go.
reali i'll let him go.
but i cant give up.
i'll wait.
i can wait.
wait for the very day where u'll love me again.
love me once again.
that'll be the day we can create newer yet sweeter memories that'll belong to only u n me.
no one else, but us.

i'm blinded by love.
nope im not.
im not silly.
not stupid.
not immature.
i jus wanted to stay strong to my belief in love.

we drank beer.
i downed a can.
but i wasnt drunk.
thou i wish i was.
only got a lil dizzy.
n dats all.

i'll keep waiting.
till the day u'll understand my feelings.
till the day my feelings got reciprocated.
i noe i wun be alrite.
i wun be fine.
but i'll be strong.
strong till the day u find me bak.
as long as i hv u by my side,
i noe we can ovecome everytink.

i reali miss u.
miss u alot alot.
mish u so much so much.
wanted so much to see u.
hug u.
hold ur hands.

im strugglin with my heart n mind now.
my heart wans me to contact u.
dying to hear ur voice.
receive an sms frm u.
but my mind objects.

im feeling so terrible now.
shld i?
will smsing u be a right choice?
or will it bring u closer to me only as a fren.
since u oni allow me to chat with u as a fren.

i dunnoe.
the feeling is terrible.
im felt im abt to break down.
yet again.

each time my hp beeps.
my hp rings.
i'll always be hoping.
praying.
dat it'll be u.
it'll be u smsing me.
calling me.
saying u love me.
saying u wan to be with me.
saying u'll woo me.

it'll happen.
i blive it'll happen.
i can wait.
jan, u can wait.
blive in urself.
blive in ur instincts.
follow ur heart.
n i noe i will.

ru guo ni zhen de bu ai wo.
wo hui deng ni deng ni zai ai wo.
zhi yao neng qian zhe ni de shou.
jing jing di yong bao zhe ni.
wo jiu hen zhu gou.
ren he ren dou wu fa qu dai ni zai wo xin zong de wei zhi.
yin wei zai wo de xin li wo de baobei jiu shi ni.

i dunoe if u'll read my blog.
im jus betting on the afinity we had.
cos if u bothered to come to my blog.
means u still rmb me.
still miss me.
still bothers abt me.
still love me.
love me frm deep down. probably u din noe.
dear, i'll win tis bet. wun i?

wo zhen de hao xiang gao shu ni.
wo fang qi bu liao ni.
dui ni de xi nian shi yi miao bi yi miao de duo.
chong lai gen ben mei you ai de yue lai yue shao
jiu zhi you ai ni yue lai yue duo.

ai ni chong lai bu shi yi jian hen nan guo de shi.
yi zhi yi lai dou hen kai xin.
dou hen yu kuai.
so wad if we quarrel.
the quarrels oni made me realise
im treasuring u more n more.
loving u more n more.
ive nv been unhapie jus cos we often quarrelled.
cos i dun rmb them.
i oni rmb the happy moments.
the fun times.
the sweet days.
but u dun.
thou u were the one who taught me those.
all i tink of is being with u.
loving u.
caring for u.

nan dao wo men zhi jian de ai qing you na me de cui ruo ma?
wo zhen de you jian qiang ar.
wo yi zhi dou hen xiang xing ai qing
xiang xing wo men zhi jian de qi qing.
shi ni bu jian qiang.
shi ni bu xiang xing.
wo yi jing hen nu li hen nu li yao liu ni zai wo shen bang.
ke shi ni ye yi zhi hen jian ding di ba wo tui kai.
zhe you he bi ne.
wo zhen de hen jian qiang le.
zhen de hen jian qiang le.
jiu qing ni bie zai tui kai wo le.
wo zhen de xu yao ni.
xu yao ni zai wo shen bang.
wo bu neng mei ni.
nan dao ni jiu neng mei you wo ma?

bu ruo jiu gei zhi ji yi ci ji hui.
bu yao ba wo tui kai.
rang wo ke yi zuo ni zui jia de ban lui.
zui jia de qing ren.
wei lai de lao po.

xing fu.
wo zhen xi wang ni de xing fu shi yin wei wo er chun zai.
yin wei wo de shi.
wo de xing fu jiu cong di yi ci ren shi ni zhi huo er kai shi.
mei tian zhi yao neng jian dao de. tong ge dian hua. huo zhe sms ye xing.
wo jiu hen gao xing. hen kuai le.
ni bu ye shi ma?

ru guo ni shi xu yao shi jian tiao zhen qing xu
shi ke yi gen wo shuo ar.
gan ma jiu hen hen di gao shu wo ni yi dui wo no more feelings le ne?

wo hen xiang xing ai qing.
yin wei ai qing you mo li.
yi zhong te chu de gan jue.
te bie de mo fa.

love is magical.
it's the magical moments dat we shared.
it's love that made me strong.
made me blive strongly in u.

dun give me up dear.
blive in me.
blive in our love.
blive in us.

i wan to create sweeter memories with u.
enjoy better days ahead with u.
enjoy moments by ur side.

wo xiang xing wo men ke yi zai chuang zhao gen hao you tian mi de hui yi.
memories that belong to me n u.
i blive we can.
n we will.

i'll be waiting u my dear.
i will.
cos im willing.
willing to blive our love.
im willing.

Day 1, 18jun06
slept at 5am plus at yun hse.
woke up at abt 9am plus.
2 messages received.
my heart sank when the msg werent frm him.

told myself to leave himself alone now.
told myself to reali let him go.
told myself not to tink of him.
but my heart n mind doesnt listen.

i told myself.
if he reali love me.
he will woo me bak.
he will.
but im afraid.
afraid wad if dat day doesnt comes at all.

he promised me.
promise me he'll tink of the sweetest way
most ridiculous way.
most creative way.
to woo me bak if he realise he still loves me.
he wun give up either.

im hoping.
hoping for dat day to come soon.
even thou a day has only passed.
i felt as if ive gone thru a few weeks of mind torturing n heart wrenching period of time.

much as i tell myself not to go look for him.
i still went to his hse.
went to record another speech into dat recording bear.
hopefully, he'll miss me.
n den he'll pick up the bear.
n den he'll listen to the recording.
n den he'll realise ive changed de speech.

it'll be ur bday soon.
another week more.
i reali wanted so much to spend tis special day with u.
prepared everytink.
planned everytink ready for ur special day
but all of a sudden.
i realise the planning has to stop.
the preparation has to end.
din u say dat special day will be for u n me?
u said it on the eve of breakup.
did u realise it.
so disheartening.
so heart breaking.

even so.
i reali wanted to spend ur bday with u.
i wanted to be there for u.

i prayed.
praying to the angels in the sky.
i want u to be happy.
i hope ur happiness is bcos of being with me.
wo zhen de xi wang ni hui xing fu.
hai zhen xi wang ni de xing fu shi yin wei you le wo er chun zai.
dan shi hao xiang bu shi le.

i wished.
wishing upon the big bright stars in the nite sky.
i wish u'll regret.
regret the decision u made ytd.
i wish u'll tink abt it again.
n den realise u reali love me.
love me so much u'll come to chase me bak.
woo me bak.
i wun be difficult. i promise.
i jus wish u'll need me by ur side.
want me by ur side.
have me by ur side.

wanted to play bball with benny.
but. suddenly not in the mood.
din play in the end.
went to a nearby park.
broke into tears suddenly.
cos it rained.
memories of him n me in the rain rushed to my mind.
tears jus brimmed my eyes.
the touching scene of him hugging me.
trying his best not to get me wet.
even thou he's wet thru.
it's sweet memories.
im smiling in heart.
but my eyes fighting with the tears threatening to rain down my cheeks.

dunoe how.
benny n daryl tok abt cycling n swimming.
again.
those memories jus rushed.
where he cycle me ard hougang.
helping me with my sjab tink.
he reali cycled hard.
cos the bike not working well.
the beads of perspiration on his forehead.
his heartbeat.
his strong arms by my sides.
everytink felt so vivid.

the time where he taught me swimming.
at the aloha resort swimming pool.
his arms encircled around my body.
the warmth.
the security.
it's heavenly.
as if im always protected.
nth cld harm me.
nth cld hurt me.

but again.
those were the sweet n gud memories.

went to hougang mall.
had the sudden urge to cut hair.
n i cut.
cut short.
always loved my long hair.
to cut it short reali saddens me.
but i dunoe wad has overcome me so much dat made me did such a decision.
n i realise.
its him.
cos i noe.
i'll have to start my life again.
a life without him.
without him by my side.
without him protecting me.
without him loving me.
without him caring me.
a life with only me.
me. and me.

met up with dad n mum n siblings.
cos they celebrating father's day outside by hving dinner.
went along.
gave dad a stalk of sunflower.

gazing at the flower
reminded me of the surprise flowers he gave me during valentine's day.
well. it's sweet.
my very first valentine's day.

ate dinner.
thought bak of the times whereby dear will sit beside me with my family n have meals.
i cld almost imagined his presence.
but when i was snapped bak to reality.
i almost cried.
cos i was dreaming.

the moment i reached bak home.
i picked up the phone n dialed his numbers.
9-4-5-1
n i stopped der.
it was too much a habit.
always the moment i reached home
i'll jus give him a call.
the thought of the breakup jus slipped off my mind.
i cried again.
dried my tears quickly.
n dialed the rest of the numbers.
wanted to try my luck.
see if he'll pick up de phone.

n guess wad.
he picked up.
my world suddenly lightened up.
but darkened when i stopped myself frm saying 'dardar'
the heartache was persistent.
real persistent.
still i was reali glad he picked up my call.
but probably he picked up cos he tot is other ppl else but me.
but so wad.
the fact is
i can hear his voice finally!

i was so hapie
my tears jus kept falling.
i had to ask him to wait
so dat i have time to gather myself together n speak properly.
cos im stumbling over words suddenly.
managed to ask if i can accompany him during his bday.
he said yes.
only if he din work dat day.
great. dat's so great.
wanted to tok more.
but he said he's busy.
n we hung up.
a short 2 minute tok on phone.
but it's enuf.
enuf to keep my heart lightened for awhile.

Day 0, 17jun06
happily i msg him,
telling him he's the one meant for me.
the one i'll cherish n treasure.
the one whom i reali love.
a sweet msg.
but i was reali stunned.
too shocked for words.
when the reply came as,
im not the one for him,
he's not the one for me.
we dun suit each other.

it's as if my heart weighed a ton
as if a million needles pricked into it.
the feeling is so undescribable.

called him immediately.
he said.
truthfully said.
honestly told me.
he has lost his feelings for me.

i was reali speechless.
i stuttered.
i stumbled over my words.
but i jus cldnt get wad i wanted to say out.
you lied to me din u?
u said nope.
u said u had reali thought over it.
n realised tis fact.

was my intuition rite?
intuition dat u seem to love me not as much.
care for me not as much.
well, my intuition was wrong.
wrong cos u totally lost ur feelings for me.

suddenly my world seems to be overcasted by dark clouds.
a big storm rains.
a storm dat nv seem to cease.

now. u wanted the 3rd breakup.
it's so heart breaking u noe?
i tried so hard.
very hard.
to chase u bak during the 2nd breakup.
i remained so strong thou i felt so terrible inside me dat time.
i blive in our relationship.
i blive in u. blive in me. blive in us.
was so glad my efforts paid off.
cos u got bak with me.

but now.
u initiated yet another breakup.
im reali tired.
reali reali tired.
y do i try so hard to maintain tis relationship
while u could destroy my hard work in jus merely a few words.
those destructive words.
dat hurts.

im reali lost.
totally lost in no one's world.
like a wondering soul.
my world with u was gone.
gone in a few seconds.
jus crushed to dust.

u forced me to break.

but have u reali lost all feelings for me?

i almost went crazy.
almost wanted to die immediately.
want to perish.
cos i felt so unwanted.
no one loves me anymore.
no one cares for me anymore.
i felt so insecure.

btu im sensible.
sensible enuf to tink.
if there's a will there's a way.
there's always a ray of hope shining there sumwhere.

went off to work in tears.
i wanted to see him so much.
wanted to hug him tight in my arms n nv let go.
wanted to be in his arms always.
but it's no longer possible.
he made it clear.
we're frens.
no more than frens.

ive nv needed sumone dat badly.
havent u realised u r the light of my life.
the soul of my heart.
the sun among the darkest clouds.

ive nv felt so sure of myself b4.
i noe im rite.
i mean it when i say 'i love u'
when i say 'i treasure u'
when i say 'i cherish u'
when i say 'im reali afraid of losing u'

met shulay at work
she accompanied me till i off work.
reali appreciate dat.
kayi came to look for me.
she's like the angel of my life.
whenever i felt so down.
she'll be by my side.
she's not gud with words.
i noe.
but her actions show me how much she reali care for me.

the moment i see her
i reali dunoe how i manage to utter
'im fine, dun worry. see im smiling'
but all she said is.
can i hug u.
i noe i cant take it anymore.
i broke into big sobs.
finally i can reveal how upset im reali is.
finally i can cry out loud.

but i noe i cant cry for long.
tried to calm down.
n packed up my workplace.
im reali grateful to shulay.
much as she doesnt wan to work.
she still offers to replace me for the nxt day work.
not the 1st time. but she still help me.

got on mrt with kaiyi.
thou we tok nth.
but i can feel her care.
the warmth.
as i laid on her shoulder.
n sobbed.

went to shiyun hse to overnite.
cos i told my mum abt the breakup.
was reali touched by wad she reply.
suddenly i felt she reali cares.
n is trying to be understanding.

i tot i wld be cheered up by them
but i wasnt
xian sel n yun jus watch tv
so i jus walk off to the room.
i wanted to find sumone to tok to.
but it seems the 3 were busy
looked thru my hp.
jas.
she seems too busy to care for me.
sze.
out at nite with frens.
liangyou.
he called me
we chatted.
i felt a lil better.
probably cos he's much more mature.
n i nid opionions of a guy.

till den.
dar has nv reply me.
is he busy?
or again.
ignoring me?

liangyou told me not to msg anymore le.
since dat might irritate him further.

but i jus cldnt resist it.
cldnt stop myself frm not msging him.
frm not tinking abt him.
frm not contacting him.

i had to restrain so much dat i was once again in tears.

nan dao jiu zhen de yao gen ni gao bie le ma.
wo de instincts gao shu wo shuo ni zhe ci shi ren zhen de.
dan wo hai huai bao zhe yi si si de xi wang.
xi wang ni hai shi ai zhe wo.
zhi yao wo men zhi jian hai you ai,
wu lun ren he kun nan
wo yi ding ke fu.
wo yi ding ke fu.

wo bu hui zai shuo le
wo xiang
ru guo wo bu yao shi qu wo de xing fu de hua
wo jiu zhi you yi ge ban fa
wo hui jiang zhe xie shuo bu chu de mai yuan
xin suan
bei shang
dou mo mo mai zai xin li.
yong bu zai ti zhe xie ling wo hen bu yu kuai de shi
wo zuo de dao de.
wo xiang xing wo zuo de dao de.

wo yao xing fu ar.
er wo de xing fu shi ying wei wo de shi jie you le ni,
mei le ni.
wo xiang wo zai ye bu zhi dao xing fu de gan jue shi she mo lai de.
dan ru guo he wo zai yi qi de ni bu jue de xing fu
wo ning yuan wo bu xing fu
yuan yi fang kai ni
rang ni qu zhao ni de xing fu
yin wei ni de xing fu bi wo de xing fu zhong yao.

y doesnt he ever when im upset
y doesnt he feel the pain
the hurt i felt.
y couldnt he understand how much i reali nid him
how much i nid his love
his care
his security
i felt ive lost them
i felt.
it's no longer the love i once had
the care i was once showered with
the security dat surrounded me.
it's different

u wanted a girl
a girl who's independent
understanding
matured

i admit im not independent
n dat's the way i am
the way i am ever since u noe me
since u were with me
since ive lost my family.
lost my kinship.

cldnt i depend on u.
cldnt i lean on u
cldnt i ?
cldnt i ?

i dunoe y.
im just feeling so lost.
so damn lost
i cldnt find any directions at all.
none.
im like stuck in a world
n being blindfolded.

i wish i was an orphan.
or perhaps born in another family.
suddenly.
i have tis desire.
tis wish.
tis hope.
dat my parents will jus die in an accident.
i reali wish they can jus disappear frm the surface of tis world.
i hate them
hate them to the core.
hate them to the point of wishing they're better off dead.

they're a burden to my life.
hindrance to my happiness.
buggers.
cant wait to get rid of them.
i dun wan any family ties with them at all.
i wan to grow up.
at the age of 21,
i wan to sever all ties.
i had enuf!
nearly 18 yrs of misery.
hardship. sorrows.
it's reali enuf.
jus fuck off man.

wad's all the crap abt me not caring abt family.
den wad's all the crap when u ignore all my care for the family.
u told me to shut up.
shouted at me.
creamed at me.
scolded me.
bang the door in my face.
threw the gifts i gave.
destroy the cards i painstakingly did.
wad the hell.
how do i feel?

and now.
when ive finally found the light in my life.
the ray of happiness in my life.
u wanted to take it away.
am i the selfish one.
or are U THE SELFISH ONE!

ive hurt u.
u said it.
u nv tink for the family at all.
u said it.
but. ever tot of all the shame n hurt ive suffered.
thru these 18 yrs
ever tot abt how i feel thru these 18 yrs.

u shamed me infront of all relatives.
saying i shed crocodile's tears when i cried during grandma's funeral.
wtf.
how untrue dat was.
noe how much dat hurts me?
it leaves a deep scar dat i noe will nv heal.
dat was the time.
the time ive changed.
changed into someone who hates her family.
cos i realise.
no family members will ever say such heart-piercing words to each other.

ive lost all hope in my family.
amidst my efforts in bonding with my family.
i failed thoroughly.
my sis is forever so damn rude to me.
who is ever screaming at me instead of toking nicely.
who will only tok nicely to me when she nids sumtink frm me.
how hypocrite.
i rmbed all mother's day.
her bday.
made cards.
got her a gift.
so wad.
she'll jus chuck it aside without taking a second look.
and then it'll be gone in 1 day time.
a bitch who nv bother to listen to wad i hv to say.
who tinks wadeva she says is always rite.
who tinks she noe everytink in tis world.
who loves bitching bad stuff to outsiders abt me.
who wld rather side outsiders than me.

i reali wonder if ive been picked up frm the rubbish chute.
no no.
i shld say.
i wish i WAS taken frm the rubbish chute.
they arent my parents at all.
my parents r jus sumwhere out there.
awaiting for my return.

even when im sick.
i cant seem to tell dat bitch at all.
cos i'll be scolded n den ignored.
im like treated transparent in tis family.
as if im jus a tenant in tis apartment.
it's like a hotel for me to stay in oni.

only my other grandma.
only she.
she's the only one in the family who truly cares abt me.
she'll takecare of me when im sick.
n ask how am i.
she reali cares abt me.
the only precious one.

i hate it when dat fucking woman scold my grandma.
she's ever so damn rude to her.
she has nv wished my grandma hapie bday nor happy mother's day.
unlike the rest of my grandma's daughters.
dat sucky guy too.
rude to my grandma too.
wtf.
n yet they deemed respect frm me!
where the hell is setting up a gud example.
2 stupid jerks who r jobless now.
always going to altar to pray to god.
donate to them.
in the hope of strinking a million lottery?
damn! dream on man.
wake up frm ur fantasies!
complaining poor n yet not looking for a job.
u tink praying to those deities help u earn money?
get a life la.
how useless can u get.

n now i can feel how my grandma felt.
when one day she asked me.
if i will wan to live with her alone if she reali decided to move out to stay on her way.
cos like me, she had enuf frm my family too.
a terrorhouse.
a terrorhome.
a living hell!

i felt so outcasted.
so ostracised.
by..
my family.
the damn grp of ppl ive been living under a roof for probably near 18 yrs.
a horrid life ive led.
when's the last time u heard ur parents praising u?
most of u will say forget.
but u're alreadi better off.
cos ive nv heard!
probably cos it wasnt my mum who took care of me while im an infant
it was my aunt.
my aunt who dote on me much more.
ive always wanted to feel family warmth.
family love.
but it has always lived in my fantasies.
a fantasy dat will nv be true.
am i even part of the so-called 'family'?
the house is just like a hotel for me.
a place i wouldnt wan to stay long for.
it's a living hell for me.
i hate it here.
but u.
it was bcos of u dat make me feel much better when at home.
made me feel loved.
without u.
i wouldn't noe where i'll be.
what i'll be like.
but..
i....................................

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind that carried me

A light in the dark shining your love into my life

You've been my inspiration

Through the lies you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
[everytink felt different]
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
[all i ever wanted so much]
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
[was merely all ur attention]
You saw the best there was in me
[ur love, care n concern]
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
[ur understanding n sincerity]
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
[but it doesnt seem dat way]
I'm everything I am
[all i have now is u, nt my family]
Because you loved me
[i dun even hv frens i can reali depend on]
I'm everything I am
[i dun feel loved. is it bcos..]
Because you loved me
[ive been a bad ger?]

cant blive it.
im feeling upset again.
=x
sad to the point whereby i can cry suddenly.
i reali dunoe y im so unhappy.
every small lil tink dat happens can make me tear alreadi.
where has my happy side gone to?
i reali wonder.

i wanted so much to be close to my frens.
but i dun tink my efforts were seen.
it's not dat i dun wan to keep in contact.
i oso duno.
i reali nv forget all my frens.
instead i miss them alot.
reali alot alot.
probably the perception of me being a busy ger
stop them frm asking me out.
stop them frm giving me a call for a chat.
stop them frm contacting me often.

everytink jus dun seem to go my way.
not jus today
but for quite some time.

i cant seem to sort out my tots.
all i have is my diary.
my online blog.
n my bear.