Day 0, 17jun06
happily i msg him,
telling him he's the one meant for me.
the one i'll cherish n treasure.
the one whom i reali love.
a sweet msg.
but i was reali stunned.
too shocked for words.
when the reply came as,
im not the one for him,
he's not the one for me.
we dun suit each other.

it's as if my heart weighed a ton
as if a million needles pricked into it.
the feeling is so undescribable.

called him immediately.
he said.
truthfully said.
honestly told me.
he has lost his feelings for me.

i was reali speechless.
i stuttered.
i stumbled over my words.
but i jus cldnt get wad i wanted to say out.
you lied to me din u?
u said nope.
u said u had reali thought over it.
n realised tis fact.

was my intuition rite?
intuition dat u seem to love me not as much.
care for me not as much.
well, my intuition was wrong.
wrong cos u totally lost ur feelings for me.

suddenly my world seems to be overcasted by dark clouds.
a big storm rains.
a storm dat nv seem to cease.

now. u wanted the 3rd breakup.
it's so heart breaking u noe?
i tried so hard.
very hard.
to chase u bak during the 2nd breakup.
i remained so strong thou i felt so terrible inside me dat time.
i blive in our relationship.
i blive in u. blive in me. blive in us.
was so glad my efforts paid off.
cos u got bak with me.

but now.
u initiated yet another breakup.
im reali tired.
reali reali tired.
y do i try so hard to maintain tis relationship
while u could destroy my hard work in jus merely a few words.
those destructive words.
dat hurts.

im reali lost.
totally lost in no one's world.
like a wondering soul.
my world with u was gone.
gone in a few seconds.
jus crushed to dust.

u forced me to break.

but have u reali lost all feelings for me?

i almost went crazy.
almost wanted to die immediately.
want to perish.
cos i felt so unwanted.
no one loves me anymore.
no one cares for me anymore.
i felt so insecure.

btu im sensible.
sensible enuf to tink.
if there's a will there's a way.
there's always a ray of hope shining there sumwhere.

went off to work in tears.
i wanted to see him so much.
wanted to hug him tight in my arms n nv let go.
wanted to be in his arms always.
but it's no longer possible.
he made it clear.
we're frens.
no more than frens.

ive nv needed sumone dat badly.
havent u realised u r the light of my life.
the soul of my heart.
the sun among the darkest clouds.

ive nv felt so sure of myself b4.
i noe im rite.
i mean it when i say 'i love u'
when i say 'i treasure u'
when i say 'i cherish u'
when i say 'im reali afraid of losing u'

met shulay at work
she accompanied me till i off work.
reali appreciate dat.
kayi came to look for me.
she's like the angel of my life.
whenever i felt so down.
she'll be by my side.
she's not gud with words.
i noe.
but her actions show me how much she reali care for me.

the moment i see her
i reali dunoe how i manage to utter
'im fine, dun worry. see im smiling'
but all she said is.
can i hug u.
i noe i cant take it anymore.
i broke into big sobs.
finally i can reveal how upset im reali is.
finally i can cry out loud.

but i noe i cant cry for long.
tried to calm down.
n packed up my workplace.
im reali grateful to shulay.
much as she doesnt wan to work.
she still offers to replace me for the nxt day work.
not the 1st time. but she still help me.

got on mrt with kaiyi.
thou we tok nth.
but i can feel her care.
the warmth.
as i laid on her shoulder.
n sobbed.

went to shiyun hse to overnite.
cos i told my mum abt the breakup.
was reali touched by wad she reply.
suddenly i felt she reali cares.
n is trying to be understanding.

i tot i wld be cheered up by them
but i wasnt
xian sel n yun jus watch tv
so i jus walk off to the room.
i wanted to find sumone to tok to.
but it seems the 3 were busy
looked thru my hp.
jas.
she seems too busy to care for me.
sze.
out at nite with frens.
liangyou.
he called me
we chatted.
i felt a lil better.
probably cos he's much more mature.
n i nid opionions of a guy.

till den.
dar has nv reply me.
is he busy?
or again.
ignoring me?

liangyou told me not to msg anymore le.
since dat might irritate him further.

but i jus cldnt resist it.
cldnt stop myself frm not msging him.
frm not tinking abt him.
frm not contacting him.

i had to restrain so much dat i was once again in tears.