Day 1, 18jun06
slept at 5am plus at yun hse.
woke up at abt 9am plus.
2 messages received.
my heart sank when the msg werent frm him.

told myself to leave himself alone now.
told myself to reali let him go.
told myself not to tink of him.
but my heart n mind doesnt listen.

i told myself.
if he reali love me.
he will woo me bak.
he will.
but im afraid.
afraid wad if dat day doesnt comes at all.

he promised me.
promise me he'll tink of the sweetest way
most ridiculous way.
most creative way.
to woo me bak if he realise he still loves me.
he wun give up either.

im hoping.
hoping for dat day to come soon.
even thou a day has only passed.
i felt as if ive gone thru a few weeks of mind torturing n heart wrenching period of time.

much as i tell myself not to go look for him.
i still went to his hse.
went to record another speech into dat recording bear.
hopefully, he'll miss me.
n den he'll pick up the bear.
n den he'll listen to the recording.
n den he'll realise ive changed de speech.

it'll be ur bday soon.
another week more.
i reali wanted so much to spend tis special day with u.
prepared everytink.
planned everytink ready for ur special day
but all of a sudden.
i realise the planning has to stop.
the preparation has to end.
din u say dat special day will be for u n me?
u said it on the eve of breakup.
did u realise it.
so disheartening.
so heart breaking.

even so.
i reali wanted to spend ur bday with u.
i wanted to be there for u.

i prayed.
praying to the angels in the sky.
i want u to be happy.
i hope ur happiness is bcos of being with me.
wo zhen de xi wang ni hui xing fu.
hai zhen xi wang ni de xing fu shi yin wei you le wo er chun zai.
dan shi hao xiang bu shi le.

i wished.
wishing upon the big bright stars in the nite sky.
i wish u'll regret.
regret the decision u made ytd.
i wish u'll tink abt it again.
n den realise u reali love me.
love me so much u'll come to chase me bak.
woo me bak.
i wun be difficult. i promise.
i jus wish u'll need me by ur side.
want me by ur side.
have me by ur side.

wanted to play bball with benny.
but. suddenly not in the mood.
din play in the end.
went to a nearby park.
broke into tears suddenly.
cos it rained.
memories of him n me in the rain rushed to my mind.
tears jus brimmed my eyes.
the touching scene of him hugging me.
trying his best not to get me wet.
even thou he's wet thru.
it's sweet memories.
im smiling in heart.
but my eyes fighting with the tears threatening to rain down my cheeks.

dunoe how.
benny n daryl tok abt cycling n swimming.
again.
those memories jus rushed.
where he cycle me ard hougang.
helping me with my sjab tink.
he reali cycled hard.
cos the bike not working well.
the beads of perspiration on his forehead.
his heartbeat.
his strong arms by my sides.
everytink felt so vivid.

the time where he taught me swimming.
at the aloha resort swimming pool.
his arms encircled around my body.
the warmth.
the security.
it's heavenly.
as if im always protected.
nth cld harm me.
nth cld hurt me.

but again.
those were the sweet n gud memories.

went to hougang mall.
had the sudden urge to cut hair.
n i cut.
cut short.
always loved my long hair.
to cut it short reali saddens me.
but i dunoe wad has overcome me so much dat made me did such a decision.
n i realise.
its him.
cos i noe.
i'll have to start my life again.
a life without him.
without him by my side.
without him protecting me.
without him loving me.
without him caring me.
a life with only me.
me. and me.

met up with dad n mum n siblings.
cos they celebrating father's day outside by hving dinner.
went along.
gave dad a stalk of sunflower.

gazing at the flower
reminded me of the surprise flowers he gave me during valentine's day.
well. it's sweet.
my very first valentine's day.

ate dinner.
thought bak of the times whereby dear will sit beside me with my family n have meals.
i cld almost imagined his presence.
but when i was snapped bak to reality.
i almost cried.
cos i was dreaming.

the moment i reached bak home.
i picked up the phone n dialed his numbers.
9-4-5-1
n i stopped der.
it was too much a habit.
always the moment i reached home
i'll jus give him a call.
the thought of the breakup jus slipped off my mind.
i cried again.
dried my tears quickly.
n dialed the rest of the numbers.
wanted to try my luck.
see if he'll pick up de phone.

n guess wad.
he picked up.
my world suddenly lightened up.
but darkened when i stopped myself frm saying 'dardar'
the heartache was persistent.
real persistent.
still i was reali glad he picked up my call.
but probably he picked up cos he tot is other ppl else but me.
but so wad.
the fact is
i can hear his voice finally!

i was so hapie
my tears jus kept falling.
i had to ask him to wait
so dat i have time to gather myself together n speak properly.
cos im stumbling over words suddenly.
managed to ask if i can accompany him during his bday.
he said yes.
only if he din work dat day.
great. dat's so great.
wanted to tok more.
but he said he's busy.
n we hung up.
a short 2 minute tok on phone.
but it's enuf.
enuf to keep my heart lightened for awhile.