u walked off.
leaving me alone with a crushed heart.

wads de issue here.
wadeva.
its me den.
always me.

im absolutely tired out.

damn those bad moods and mood swings.
darn me.

its as if my female hormones are on a ravage.
ramping around in my body.
causing a huge emotional change in me.
making me have such extreme mood swings.
such emotions i nv knew i had.
such weird feelings that made me cry all of a sudden
without knowing why i felt so damn upset n horrid inside.

sumhow sumtink is haunting me.
sumhow i jus cant myself up
n pull myself thru these redundant feelings.

leave them.
i said..
tink of happy memories.
i scream..

but nth came to my empty mind.
its jus mist n darkness.
wads wrong with my life.
i dun wanna it this way.
i control it.

cool it off jan.
tis is stress.
relax.
it'll be over soon.
breathe in.
love..
friendship...
huggs....
warmth.....

begone emptiness.
begone mood swings.
begone.
begone!

i wan to have a family too.
sum place i noe where there wil always be ppl
who will stand by me always.
who will love me always.
who will understand me always.
who shower me with love and care.
where i can always enjoy the togetherness at the end of a tiring day.
why cant i have a normal family.

5 tinks important in my life.

LOVE
TRUST
FAITH
FRIENDS
BABY



FAMILY - you'll never be on my list.




i simply felt so disregarded in tis terror terrain.
in tis horrible place called.
HOME!
wtf.
i nv feel any love out of it.
no warmth.
no care.
no concern.
jus plain insults.
crap.
n demands.
who says family are people u can never live without.
no way.
to me. it's ppl i shld live without.
even adopted kids have better family.

i lost my family ages bak.
lost my place in tis once lovely place.
lost my hold.
lost my dignity.
lost wadeva dat was supposed to be mine.
i felt so insulted.
so out of my place.
why shld i care abt anyone of u in the first place.
when all i was needed was only when u needed my strengths so badly
as sis cldnt make up for it.
that is. my maths skills.
fuck.
im not a machine.
i have feelings.
why push me out of the way treating me as if im a step-daughter.

shldnt the eldest deserve some respect.
not as if i did some shameful tinks outside
dat cause so much disgrace to this darn family
for u to treat me like dirt.
fuck.

sumore i felt hurt.
felt so damn fucking hurt.
why shld i be in the first place.
didn't i said i hate tis family.
didn't i say i will no longer care abt tis family.

fuck.
den why do every lil tink u do to me
makes me feel so uncared for.
so unwanted in tis home.
so all-for-nothing.
so hurt.
its so unfair.
why am i de only one having suffering frm such biasness

i swear.
i'll no longer bake any cakes for tis horrid ppl.
no more lil gifts or food for them at all.
no more care n concern.
no more wishing them on their bday.
esp dat bitch.

but not my grandma.
cos i love her to bits.

probably not my dad either.
cos he cares too less to be involved in tis horrid politics.

i cant blive im using such insanity to scold these ppl.
but i cant contain my anger. my hurt. my pride.
any longer.
my mum.
nah. dat bitch.
u deserve it.

im venomous.
im horrid.
yes i am.
no one will ever understand these feels.
and im stupid.
shld have jus agreed to my grandma abt moving out with her a year bak.
having to put thru all these shame.
fuck.

i despise u, bitch.

i swear i'll leave tis place!
when i got myself a job after graduation.
i promise myself.
i will leave.

insecure.
fear.

my life's a mess.
i really wanna get out.
hang on there, jan

all i felt was.



























utter disappointment.

there's just not enough understanding.
i dun wanna live my days in tears again.
i wan a happy relationship.
not one
dat makes me laugh and smile on even days.
and cry n sob on odd days.

im feeling so afraid.
the feeling of constant fear.
the dreadful intuition.

it seems like it aint gonna last afterall.
as each quarrel we had
every unhappiness suffered
all tears i shed
seemingly drawing us towards the end.

its not wad i wan
its certainly not wad u wan as well.
but it seems like the end is no where far.

surely one day.
tinks shall get out of hand.
patience has its limits.
tolerance too.
jus dun hit on me too soon.

i still do wanna salvage it.
im reali trying.
held bak my temper.
swallowed my pride.
tot abt ur plight.
understand how u felt.
bit on my tongue to stop unwanted rants.
still, efforts were to no avail.

ive being scarred.
dat left me so jaded ever since.
u'll nv understand my plight ever.
each time u ask me y im so unhappy.
its hard to describe my feel u noe.
no words cld be used.
i simply felt helpless.
n plainly fearful for both of us.
my mind jus wandered off to de bad thots.

no no.
i pulled myself away.
practically dragged myself away.
de tears welled up.
many a times i almost wanted to give up.
for i dun wanna scar myself again.
still i perserve.
cos i blive.
trust.
n love.
my dearest.

can there ever be deeper understanding between us two?
the answer lies between us.

dear diary,
i wish all my friends will be fine.
i wish u'll be alrite.
i wish u'll smile all day.
i wish tinks will go on fine for u.
*huggs. to my dearest lil friends.

i wish tinks will be fine for us.
i reali wish.

dun i in the least deserve sum certain respect?
i have my own rights.
own privacy.
own space.
stop intruding my privacy.
dun disturb my life.

mind your own business.
i dun nid u poking into my stuff.

i hate the way im seen in this fucking family.
how minute i felt.
how unimportant i am to this horrid terrain.
how small a role i play in this terror town.
how insignificant i mean to one and everyone.

how i felt such a fool
each single time i thot of them.
each single time i do sumtink nice to them.
i reali ought to think twice.

im never wanted in here.
the feeling's so strong.

fuck off.
i nv wanted such a family either.

i bet im happier being an orphan.

i needed to leave here.
i'll jus leave with anyone who can bring me away.
away frm this horrid place called..
home.

wads the crap abt home sweet home.
i nv had one.

可知我对爱的虔诚
可知我迷信我们
可知我难得放任

我想化成隐形的人
隐藏我的泪在翻滚
看不见也能感受心疼

still i blive..

a silent hug means a thousand words to an unhappy heart

i felt a pang in my heart.
i thought u understand
but u broke my heart..